How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner

In many couples, one or both partners feel that the other doesn't understand how to satisfy them sexually. And I know from my work at a sex and relationships counsellor that this can knock the confidence of both people.

The problem is that when it comes to sex we expect to be instant experts, with instinctive knowledge of what pleases us and a partner. But actually, sex is just like any other skill. If we want to learn how to drive a car or ride a bike, we have to start as beginners and take lessons. And with sex, to understand your own responses and your lover's, you have to learn and practice.

This is because everyone responds differently to sex and sexual arousal. Some like gentle touches, others prefer heavier, rougher contact. One person will be turned on by something another finds unpleasant or uninteresting. Unless you're psychic, the only way to get to know your partner's tastes, and for them to get to know yours, is by communicating.


Say what you'd like to try

Talking about what you like and dislike has several benefits. Not only can simply talking about sex add to your excitmement, but the more you talk, the more relaxed and confident you'll be with your partner. I know from my work that most people would like more variety in their love lives, but they're held back from suggesting whatever they'd like to try, whether it's oral sex, bondage or new positions, by embarrassment or fear of rejection.

But you don't have to come out with a bald request. One good technique is to find the option you fancy on the web or in a magazine or a book, and point it out, saying, "That looks fun. Want to try it?" The chances are that, far from being put off, your partner will jump at the chance to experiment. (For more ideas see I'd like you to...)


Non-verbal cues

Communication is vital but there's no need to subject each other to a commentary or a barrage of instructions. You can make your needs known with a range of non-verbal cues.


Let them know when they've hit the spot

Next time you have sex, make sure your partner knows when they've found the right place. If they need a bit of guidance, gently move their hands to demonstrate what turns you on. Make the communication two-way; listen and notice the movements and sounds your partner makes, so you can pick up their likes and dislikes, too.


Be honest, positive and demonstrative

If you're going to say what you'd like and ask what your partner wants, there are three important points to keep in mind.

* Be positive. Don't tell your partner they're terrible in bed. Remember something they did that you really liked and say, "When you did that, I really..." They'll get the message.
* Be honest. There's no point in faking it or saying you like something you don't, because that gives your partner no incentive and no guidance to do better.
* Be demonstrative.

Teenage Girls and Virginity

As of mids of 2006, half of teens who take virginity pledges deny it a year later. But many sexually active teens become born-again virgins after taking the pledge, a new study shows.

Harvard graduate student Janet Rosenbaum analyzed data on a nationally representative sample of seventh through 12th graders collected in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. Nearly 15,000 teens were interviewed in 1995 and again in 1996.

In the first survey, 13% of teens said they'd taken a virginity pledge. A year later, 53% of them said, "What pledge?"

On the other hand, about a third of teens said they'd had sex. A year later, 10.5% of these kids said they were virgins.

"Among those who take a virginity pledge, a year later more than half said they had never taken such a pledge," Rosenbaum tells WebMD. "And just over 10% of those who said they had sex later said they didn't have sex."

Rosenbaum's report appears in the June issue of the American Journal of Public Health.

Role of Religion

What makes a teen forget a virginity pledge? Sex certainly plays a role. Virgin teens who became sexually active were three times more likely to deny pledging than teens who said they'd remained virgins.

Strong religious messages may also play a role. Kids who said they no longer were born-again Christians were more likely to deny virginity pledges than other teens.

"I found that people who had become sexually active or who were already sexually active were more likely to retract their virginity pledges," Rosenbaum says. "Those who changed from being born-again Christian to other denominations were more likely to retract their pledge."

On the other hand, becoming a born-again Christian -- or taking a virginity pledge -- was linked to teens retracting self-reported sex.

"Looking at people who retracted reports of having sex, those who took virginity pledges in either survey were more likely to retract -- as was becoming a born-again Christian," Rosenbaum says. "So it seems that when social circumstances change, it affects people's reports on surveys of their own behavior."

Teens and Change

Teen changeability doesn't surprise Thomas Smith, PhD, professor of social work at Florida State University, Tallahassee. Smith recently reviewed 14 scientific studies of abstinence education.

"Is the difference in answers one year apart indicating a change in the mood of these kids? Probably not," Smith tells WebMD. "It is probably more about what they had for breakfast on that day. Teens are very labile on what they do or say at any one time."

Smith says that only strong messages get across to teens. That, he says, is why the strong anti-premarital-sex position of fundamentalist Christian religion makes an impression on them.

"The more memorable a message is, the more likely a child will abstain from sex," Smith says. "If you are from a fundamentalist denomination, there is less likelihood your child will engage in premarital sex. That may be because the mores of this religion are so strong. But after they leave the protective nest of their observant household, they may go wild with experimentation. Not just with sex but with alcohol, drugs, whatever."

Casual Sex: Sex Without Love?

The term 'casual sex' implies there's no commitment to the other person. Although this doesn't necessarily mean there's no sense of responsibility or care, in a casual encounter you're more likely to focus on the here and now. You can enjoy the moment without much thought about what your partner thinks of you or what you think of them. Without the emotional complications of a relationship, you're free to concentrate on physical satisfaction.

Sex with a Stranger - for many people, unfamiliarity is the key to casual sex. They find the mystery exciting and, if there's no chance of meeting again, inhibitions can be cast aside. It offers the chance take on a new identity and act out a secret fantasy with little fear of rejection.

Element of Risk - danger is generally part of casual sex. There's a sense of being naughty, of tasting the forbidden fruit. Some people deliberately add to their sexual encounters by choosing public places or partners they feel should be off-limits.
Why casual sex can be attractive

Psychological Reasons - some people pick up messages during childhood that casual sex is wrong (and therefore more exciting). Others have been left with a fear of intimacy by their experiences.

Physical Reasons - when we take risks and feel fear, the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated. Breathing becomes faster, blood pressure rises and adrenalin is released. Our body enters a state of high alert. If you add sexual messages at this point, the body will respond faster.
Sex when you're in love

Italian scientists have discovered that the biochemical state of falling in love is similar to obsessive compulsive disorder. The yearning of couples to be together and learn about each other in intimate detail is overwhelming. They grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another.

During this period sex can be very exciting. There's still some of the mystery of casual sex and also some risk. The difference is that sex is more mutual when we've fallen in love. It's about giving and sharing ourselves physically and emotionally. As well as sexual satisfaction, we can expect to feel emotional fulfilment. Sex becomes the ultimate act of intimacy.

What You Have To Know About HIV

What is HIV?

HIV stands for human immunodeficiency virus. A person infected with HIV is infected for life - there's no cure.

Over time, as the immune system weakens, a person with HIV may develop rare infections or cancers. When these are particularly serious, the person is said to have AIDS.


How's HIV is transmitted?

HIV can only be passed on if infected blood, semen, vaginal fluids or breast milk get inside another person's body.

The two main ways in which a person can become infected are:

* Vaginal or anal sexual intercourse (without a condom) with an infected person
* Using a needle or syringe that's already been used by someone who's infected


An infected pregnant woman can also pass the virus to her unborn baby, before or during the birth, or through breastfeeding.

Other potential routes of transmission include:

* Giving and receiving first aid, although transmission will only occur if significant amounts of HIV-infected blood pass from one person to another
* Contact with used needles and syringes, if infected blood is transferred
* Giving and receiving oral sex, although there are very few proven instances of this, and usually transmission will only occur if a person has cuts or sores in their mouth
* Seeing a dentist, doctor or nurse, although it's extremely rare for HIV to be passed from a healthcare professional to a patient, as all medical instruments are sterilised or used only once
* In extremely rare cases, through fighting or biting
* Kissing, although generally this won't pass on HIV as saliva doesn't contain a high enough concentration of HIV, and the only risk would be if both people had noticeably bleeding cuts and sores in their mouths
* Sport, if HIV-infected blood gets into a wound or cut


The risk of transmission through any of the above is small, but it exists so care should always be taken.

Although blood transfusions and use of blood products are a potential route of transmission, all blood and organ donors in the UK are screened for HIV before the blood or body organ is used. Other countries may not have the same standards as the UK, so always check if you're travelling outside the UK.


What are the symptoms of HIV?

There are no immediate signs or symptoms after infection. Research has shown that after a few weeks some people experience flu-like symptoms, but these usually go undiagnosed. The only way to know if you have HIV is to be tested.


What's the treatment?

There's no cure for HIV, but there are drugs called antiretrovirals that can help prevent someone infected with HIV from becoming ill. These drugs can significantly increase the life expectancy of someone with HIV. The drugs must be taken every day for life, otherwise the treatment will stop being effective and the person affected may become ill.

Sexually Transmitted Disease Alert

Research on teenage girls and sexually transmitted diseases sends a blunt message to kids who think they’re immune: It’s liable to happen to you or someone you know. In the first study of its kind, researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. The most common one is a virus that can cause cervical cancer, and the second most common can cause infertility. Nearly half the black teens in the study had at least one sexually transmitted infection, versus 20 percent among both whites and Mexican-American teens. Blame is most often placed on inadequate sex education, from parents and from schools focusing too much on abstinence-only programs. Add to that a young person’s sense of being invulnerable. “This is pretty shocking,” said Dr. Elizabeth Alderman, an adolescent medicine specialist at Montefiore Medical Center’s Children’s Hospital in New York. “To talk about abstinence is not a bad thing,” but teen girls — and boys too — need to be informed about how to protect themselves if they do have sex, Alderman said. Only about half of the girls in the study acknowledged having sex. Some teens define sex as only intercourse, yet other types of intimate behavior including oral sex can spread some diseases. Among those who admitted having sex, the rate was even more disturbing — 40 percent had an STD. “Those numbers are certainly alarming,” said sex education expert Nora Gelperin, who works with a teen-written Web site called sexetc.org. “Sexuality is still a very taboo subject in our society,” she said. “Teens tell us that they can’t make decisions in the dark and that adults aren’t properly preparing them to make responsible decisions.” Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said the study shows that “the national policy of promoting abstinence-only programs is a $1.5 billion failure, and teenage girls are paying the real price.” Similar claims were made last year when the government announced the teen birth rate rose between 2005 and 2006, the first increase in 15 years. The overall STD rate among the 838 girls in the study was 26 percent, which translates to more than 3 million girls nationwide, the CDC said.

Women’s Voices Signal Fertility, Sexual Attractiveness

Sometimes, medical science and research groups can be focusing on the strangest things. With all the problems around the world, such as the looming oil crisis and the prospect of old diseases gaining antibiotic resistance and causing untold damage, there are still scientists looking into relatively mundane issues. For example, there are still a rather large number of research groups looking into the various aspects of women’s sexual health. The latest discovery in this particular field of research being that ovulating women likely exhibit subtle alterations to their voice that make them sound far more seductive than they usually are. Note that this is not the first time that something about a woman is altered by what point she’s on in her cycle.

There were a few discoveries that were related to this aspect of women’s sexual health in the past. Women who were fertile release more pheromones into the air, which was suspected as the reason for female lap dancers and strippers getting more tips when they “performed” while fertile. Science also found that women who were in the most fertile stages of their cycle were less likely to walk in a seductive manner, with the swaying of their hips being much less pronounced. Now they’ve found something else. Women’s voices were found to sound more attractive when at peak fertility than in other times of the cycle. No, the researchers had them count from one to ten, rather than try to deliberately sound like they’re trying to seduce someone.

One explanation for this unusual discovery in women’s sexual health and behavior is that hormones can have an effect on the size and shape of the larynx. The larynx plays a role in speech and speaking, so changes to its structure can easily affect the voice, even if the effects can be considered minimal. Scientists theorize that human ears have evolved to pick up the subtle variations in the voice and associate them with attractiveness unconsciously, which is something that has happened a lot in humans. This study also shows that how the brain finds a member of the opposite sex as attractive is more than just a visual experience.

It is known that pheromones can be picked up by the nose and processed by the brain. A woman giving off more pheromones makes her appear more attractive, chemically speaking. Visual information conveyed by the eyes is generally subject to a lot of factors, such as cultural bias and perceptions, but there are a few common elements to the typical view of what is and is not an attractive female body shape. The data from this recent study now also shows that the auditory aspect of a woman can also play a part in whether or not she can be found attractive.

It is also noteworthy that the researchers found that both males and females who were asked to rate the voices on their attractiveness rated the same sets of voices highly. Whether or not this implies that females are just as able to detect attractiveness and fertility (biologically speaking) in fellow females is up to debate.

Getting Started On Sexual Health

Sexual health is influenced by a complex web of factors ranging from sexual behaviour and attitudes and societal factors, to biological risk and genetic predisposition. It encompasses the problems of HIV and STIs/RTIs, unintended pregnancy and abortion, infertility and cancer resulting from STIs, and sexual dysfunction. Sexual health can also be influenced by mental health, acute and chronic illnesses, and violence. Addressing sexual health at the individual, family, community or health system level requires integrated interventions by trained health providers and a functioning referral system. It also requires a legal, policy and regulatory environment where the sexual rights of all people are upheld.

Addressing sexual health also requires understanding and appreciation of sexuality, gender roles and power in designing and providing services. Understanding sexuality and its impact on practices, partners, reproduction and pleasure presents a number of challenges as well as opportunities for improving sexual and reproductive health care services and interventions. Validity of data collection, given researcher bias and difficulties in discussing such a private issue, also remains a problem in some settings that must be overcome if a greater understanding of sexuality in various settings is to be achieved. Sexuality research must go beyond concerns related to behaviour, numbers of partners and practices, to the underlying social, cultural and economic factors that make individuals vulnerable to risks and affect the ways in which sex is sought, desired and/or refused by women, men and young people. Investigating sexuality in this way entails going beyond reproductive health by looking at sexual health holistically and comprehensively. To do this requires adding to the knowledge base gained from the field of STI/HIV prevention and care, gender studies, and family planning, among others.

Sexual health represents a new thematic area of work for the Department of Reproductive Health and Research. While sexual health has been implicitly understood to be part of the reproductive health agenda, the emergence of HIV/AIDS, of sexual and gender-based violence and of the extent of sexual dysfunction (to name just some of the developments over the past two decades), have highlighted the need for the Department to now focus more explicitly on sexuality and the promotion of sexual health.